American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble