Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up