*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Love this guy
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.