Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there