My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do