*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”