Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.