Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’ll be mad as hell!
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.