Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My love language is hissing.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u