*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me, too, girl. me, too.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé