Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.