this FaceApp is creepy af
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.