Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Milk Cube
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk