5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi