During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with