Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)