“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?