Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger