“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*