Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
me when the borders lift
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”