when mom throws a party…
You Might Also Like
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great