interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this