I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Oh boy, $150,000!
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
#ParentingFacts
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent