I feel it
You Might Also Like
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.