Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”