[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Basketball
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.