Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“you recording!?”