Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
decorating my apartment
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
May never get over this
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”