I don’t know what to do
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”