Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.