Friday night party time 🥳
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
yes… yes…
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
don’t we all
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.