I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet