ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.