My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
That de-escalated quickly
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
did it work
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?