piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
They must have gotten it to go.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
You have been warned.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.