Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.