The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
79.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!