The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.