tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
lol
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.