Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.