Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Is this you?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES