Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
You Might Also Like
Home is where your toilet is.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Breaking news:
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything