Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
@funTweeters
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.