I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are