I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
You Might Also Like
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
The little toadstool has spoken.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…