Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.