The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”