“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The 6 types of sex
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno