interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
o shit
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.