i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)